I learned to hide myself right before their very eyes. I mean literally disappear as the inner most parts of me became invisible even to myself… It was behind that bathroom door I learned to keep secrets and swallowed my cries until I had lost my voice entirely. Until I showed up just to answer the calls of, ‘I was never good enough’… ‘Could never get it right’…. ‘I was always messing up’… ‘Who would want you’…. When your daddy didn’t’ and grandma played favorites. It was behind that closed bathroom door when everyone was too preoccupied with themselves to see… I gave away my power…. because I chose not to tell and I don’t know why because I can’t remember any threats I just know it left me feeling nasty…. violated just an object to be used without value or purpose. So that’s where I learned to disappear and took on another persona because I had to wear this armor, erect this wall so never again could I be exposed or caught off guard. So, yes I just began to answer whenever trouble called because I proposed it was my destiny to have life get the best of me and besides I have given away my power and lost my voice unsure of my identity I just fit myself in wherever I would get someone’s acceptance or approval. I found validation in the arms of the men exchanging the deepest parts of my treasures for things… thinking I was getting over… all the while just constructing a dungeon where monsters could hang out and thrive as the war within me raged on the inside. Yet I learned to hide myself right before their very eyes. I mean literally disappear as the inner most parts of me became invisible even to myself and until I stopped looking anymore…. I just went along with the charade.
September 6, 2014
That’s what started to rise up after the next few go rounds with my Yoni Egg. After I had set my intentions of clearing and releasing to make room for the MORE GOOD and the MIRACLES because choosing to do the soulWork helps you rediscover yourself. On my back with my legs propped up in a “giving birth” position I anchored myself to my womb breathing. I’ve been using Womb Wisdom as a guide going through various exercises accompanied sometimes by my Yoni Egg. Yesterday I did the womb breathing with my Yoni Egg hugging be back, this time ascending a little higher in my canal with each rhythmic breath activating my PC muscles. My hands lay across my womb as I made a conscious connection with myself, my womb space and my breath. Bringing energy, attention, focus and breath as the book instructed to allow any sounds to arise from deep within and let it out…. I had already been prepped by the intensity of this work having experienced my first breathwork session only earlier this year as a way to heal since the murder of my first cousin (we grew up together in the same household like siblings) and the overwhelming grief I had been feeling which had just about paralyzed me, taking every ounce of will just to get me out of bed to face the day.
In that breathwork session: Emotional Energy Release Therapy facilitated by my siSTAR, Nyssa Rhiannon Hanger, owner of Upward Spiral Center, and one of the most dynamic healers I know in my community, through the intense breathing, screaming, crying, coughing, choking, snot nosing and beating on the table with both my hands and legs, dripping in sweat as if I had been in child labor for about 48 hours straight, I arose from her massage table feeling light. Restored as I had invited LIFE back into my body and spirit! I had effectively grieved death, the loss of loved ones gone way too soon. This quarter of a century grief which I had been building since the age of 15 as I desperately watched my mother’s life slip away before my very own eyes, at the tender age of 48 due to complications of fibroid tumors the day after Mother’s Day in 1990. Well, I didn’t know what to do with all that grief back then, because I was 4 months pregnant with my first child, angry at God for taking my mother from me and decided in a rebellious tantrum, to swallow it all assuming my ‘ME AGAINST THE WORLD’ approach to life! Then it struck again years later in 2009… all sneaky and vindictive causing our family to make one of the hardest decisions together, to pull the plug on one of our own, my oldest brother who was only 49, after the attending doctor showed the test results that there was no more brain activity! I couldn’t believe it and once again I was negotiating with God in the wee hours just asking Him to bring Marlon back to us! I remember the hospital spiel about how after you take someone off of life support how it can be a matter of hours, days, weeks or months. You just never know. So accompanied by my oldest sister we remained present as they turned off his machines and I remember this monitor that we had religiously watched and listened to for his heart beat during our almost week long stay at the hospital, ultimately flat line in a matter of minutes… He was gone!
Our bodies are a living journal keeping record of all our hurts, pains, disappointments, rejections, violations, traumas which unless we’re taught the importance of and how to release those things which often stored to capacity leave little room for the GOOD and the GREAT to reside. So they get evicted and we start hanging outside of ourselves because we’re not equipped to go in and deal with the pain. We find temporary fixes, band-aids and wishful thinking but unless we consciously choose to do the work, the soulWork, the hard work, the painful work then we never gonna win until we get right within! Yoga, meditation, breath work and discovering the untapped Wisdom of the Womb through womb exercises and tools like Yoni Eggs have given me a body awareness I never had possessed before, a courage to dig deeper and the knowing that living outside of myself will no longer do! Years ago you never could have told me, I, Shelley Parris Williams would be a holistic well-BEING coach, yoga teacher and SomaVeda Thai Yoga Practitioner focused on heart and womb well-BEING. I probably would have laughed at you seeing as though my first hook up with yoga was like that blind date you just never wanted to see ever again. Yet one day… it spoke to me… called out from way deep within… this longing to come back home… back to myself… to be visible again standing in my authentic truth and shining my light I had shied away and shrunk from far too often. This journey of well-BEING is a lifelong process… A commitment that you make to yourself that no matter what… that you will keep going even if you fail, (because you will), even if you fall (because you will), even when the tears, the rain and the storm outside is raging and you look around and the stadium is empty… the question is Can you WILL Yourself to Succeed? Can you WILL Yourself to Win? Because you know you deserve it and you finally discovered your past was only the training ground and it, the people and the circumstances surrounding you don’t get to define your future… You do! But it all starts with you waking up, BEING present and intentional right now!